The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
