Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
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you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
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Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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