Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
They took my balls.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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