i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
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