yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
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