Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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