We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
