She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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