We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
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The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
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