I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
