i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Randomize
