I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
