I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
