id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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