Don't make out with my wife yet
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
splinters make it hard to masturbate
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
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