dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Randomize
