You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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