see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
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