She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
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