just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
