It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
