they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
