It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
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