Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
