Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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