and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Randomize
