I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
