i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
So squirting runs in the family.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
