4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Randomize
