terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
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