Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Randomize
