i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Randomize
