I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Randomize
