Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Randomize
