Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
