Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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