You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
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Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
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The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.