she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
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I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
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the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.