you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Randomize
