Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
We should try that some time.
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..