Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
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will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
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You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.