I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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