He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Randomize
