you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
