haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
