We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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