i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
