i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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