well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
