Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
