Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
