Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
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