Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
We need to get me chipped asap
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
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