I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
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