The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
