Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
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smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
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Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
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